I found a lump.

The following was my (slightly delusional) thought process after the discovery:

 Great.

I'm probably going to die.

 Nah.

I'm too stubborn.

 I'm glad the kids aren't babies.

Matt will probably remarry.

The jerk.

 And then I went to the doctor and of course he sent me to have a mammogram but he said it was a "diagnostic mammogram" so I would know the results that day instead of waiting for them.

 I had to wait three days for the mammogram.

It was a little stressful because of all the horror stories I had heard about them.

 Two words for those who acted like having a mammogram was a horrendous experience:

Big Babies.

 It wasn't bad.

Slightly uncomfortable.

A little pinching here and there.

That's it.

 After the mammogram I sat waiting for the technician to come tell me the verdict and I had to keep going over in my head which was good (benign or malignant) and which was bad (benign or malignant) because they both sound horrible and I didn't want to display the wrong emotion when she gave me "the news".

 She came in and told me that the doctor ordered an ultrasound.

I didn't have an emotion ready for that one.

So I just nodded my head and said, "Mmmkay."

 I had an ultrasound.

They still didn't tell me anything.

 They sent me home and told me that the results would be available in 24 hours.

It ended up being 36 hours.

 But that was okay because in that time period I was able to switch my movie-esque-I'm-going-to-be-bald-and-die-a-slow-dramatic-death thinking to a more logical thinking.

 The logical thinking went more like this:

 I'm going to have a TON of research to do...so much so that I should probably go ahead and aim for a degree while I'm doing it.

They will NOT be doing a biopsy, regardless of what they say.

 I'm doing the Hoxsey diet, but how will I afford to get to Mexico?

 We'll just have to figure it out, because I am NOT being cut open or injected with chemicals unnecessarily.

 So I waited and contemplated alternative cancer treatments for three days and then I got my results.

 The nurse called me (I wouldn't want that job) and said, "We've got your results from the mammogram.  It's benign...which is good."

 All that worry over the benign/malignant issue and she just told me right up front.

 My lump isn't cancer!

 I was happy for the good news.