If I were, this would be a seriously creepy post.
In order to allay the fears of any first time flyers like myself and also to humor any frequent flyers with my unreasonable thoughts I now present you with some things I learned while flying commercially for the first time...
--Security is NOT a big deal.
I was freaking out that I was going to do something wrong and would be put in the corner with a dunce cap on my head and a dead chicken around my neck as punishment while Matt and the kids were flown away and showered with praise and chocolate ice cream (with almonds) for being good little TSA-compliant flyers.
That didn't happen.
In fact, the TSA peeps (we're like this now (crossing my index and middle finger)) were super nice. The first girl (her name was Porche) was gushing over Mercede's name (for obvious reasons) and the last guy played games with the kids and joked around with them.
They did pat London down (because he was wearing a rather large sweatshirt and who knows what a scrawny 9-year-old could be packin' in a size 10 hoodie), but he thought it was cool.
Just follow the directions, don't try to make security or bomb jokes, and be patient and security is a breeze.
--The plane feels and sounds like a large, rickety bus.
It just does. And while you're in flight it sounds like really loud road noise in a car.
You can actually feel the landing gear pulling up and letting down.
And sometimes there's this really bizarre feeling that the plane quits running or slows down or something. I don't know what it is or what it means but I guess it's normal because I'm still alive.
--The wing bounces.
A lot. I thought it was going to pop off at one point but obviously it stayed since you didn't see me (or my remains) on the 10:00 news.
--There will be turbulence.
If you were in a Cadillac (think a floaty, bouncy, boat-like ride) cruising down a very hilly and somewhat curvy road and the driver jerked the wheel back and forth a little bit?
That's sort of what turbulence feels like.
Minus the screeching tire noise.
--The flight attendants may or may not try to be entertaining.
Just deal with it either way.
Entertaining is better, in my opinion, because I like to joke about my own possible death, but for those of you who take it more seriously just ignore the oxygen mask/flotation device humor if it bothers you.
--Landing is interesting.
It's very bumpy (or a little, depending on the pilot) and then you feel instantly like you're skidding down a gravel freeway with the brakes locked up trying to avoid hitting the car in front of you.
You'll put on your fake brake even though that's most likely not where the brake on a plane is anyway.
I've heard a lot of people say that landing is the scariest part.
I disagree.
If you're close enough to land (or almost land) how bad could a wreck possibly be? I'm pretty resilient. I think I could handle the impact if the wheels were close enough to the ground.
--The Earth is beautiful.
Take pictures.
--Fellow passengers begin to look shady.
Whether you admit it or not you will begin to make anyone in your line of sight look either like a terrorist or the bad guy from a movie who's looking for the spy that's sitting directly beside you.
The guy sitting caddy corner to the kids (who were sitting in front of us) kept looking back at them all weird and creepy-like.
I told Matt and then set back on my haunches like a momma cat prepared to attack at a moment's notice.
--You begin questioning the resilience of your fellow passengers.
For instance...if this thing goes down on a deserted island who's going to make it?
While I realize the odds of this happening on a flight from St. Louis to San Diego are slim to zero it still merits consideration.
The cordial man who offered to move into a different seat so the lovely couple could sit together?
We'll have him roasting on the spit faster than he can say, "No, no, you're welcome!"
(Yes, that's disgusting.)
The man dressed as a pilot sitting in front of me?
(I think his choice of dress was a cruel joke intended to make us passengers sweat.)
He'll probably be the CIA/spy/special ops guy who saves the day and sacrifices his life for us all because he has nothing to live for since his wife left him because of his drinking problem and decided to fly to San Diego with her new boyfriend the exact same day he had to fly out on a secret mission (that was her in the seat that future Mr. Rotisserie forfeited).
NOW you see why I don't watch TV?
All in all flying wasn't that big of a deal.
It's fun and pretty but also a bit boring.
At least the flight out there anyway.
Just wait till you hear about the flight home...
B
4 comments:
The earth is beautiful isn't it! Glad you made it to the other side and back safely! Now could you please give us some more pictures!
Since I've heard aforementioned story about the flight home, I can't wait for it to be posted! You make everything so funny:) Glad you are home safe and sound.
Sooo.... No free camera equipment coming my way. Bittersweet. :) Glad you all survived.
Great comentary on flying. You are a nut. Not a WORD about in-laws. lol
Post a Comment